The only thing predictable about giving birth to a baby is its unpredictability. When Jack was born, things were fairly normal, but being in another country, I really didn’t know what to expect. We definitely are experiencing the unexpected.
The actual birth itself went fairly quickly, for which I am thankful. I never thought of myself as the screaming type, but I’m pretty sure my decibel level alerted the whole hospital I was giving birth. The room was full of nurses and doctors, all of whom seemed to be giving different advice. “Push when you feel like it.” “Don’t push.” “Take deep breaths.” “Hold your breath and push.” But, my favorite was the sympathetic doctor closest to me who kept telling me, “Don’t yell. Just say haaaaa.” At one point, I retorted something about how much pain I was in and that I would yell if I wanted to, and she (being, I think, the only other mother in the room) whispered in my ear, “Oh, I know. I thought I was going to die too,” and then standing back up, she said a little louder, “But just say ‘haaaa….’”
It was at that point my sweet, amazing husband whispered in my other ear, “You just do whatever the heck you want to. He’s almost here.”
And out he came, just two hours after arriving at the hospital.
What I didn’t realize until much later was that most of the medical staff in the room was present for Luke, not for me. I heard a feeble cry after the cord was unwrapped from his neck, but only caught a glimpse of a head of black hair as they took him over to intubate him and whisk him off to the NICU.
I expected to spend the next few days in the hospital holding my newborn baby, but instead was sitting alone in silence 20 minutes after he was born. Not having Luke with us in the hospital gave me quite a bit of silence to read and pray and think, and I spent a lot of time drawing near to God through reading Psalms.
Some things I am remembering in these days:
God is in control.
For I know that the LORD is great,
and that our Lord is above all gods.
Whatever the LORD pleases, he does,
in heaven and on earth,
in the seas and all deeps.
Psalm 135:5-6
In both the good and the bad, God is never backed into a corner or wondering what might happen. I don’t understand how this works in the hard times, but I trust that it is true. It brings me great comfort to know that he is firmly holding everything in place.
God is near to Luke when I can’t be.
A mother has a natural instinct to hold and feed and rock and love her baby. It is really disconnecting and strange to not even have held someone I carried inside for 9 months. I want to be the comforter for him, but right now I can’t do much.
Yet you are he who took me from the womb;
you made me trust you at my mother’s breasts.
On you was I cast from my birth,
and from my mother’s womb you have been my God.
Be not far from me,
for trouble is near,
and there is no one to help.
Psalm 22: 9-11
I have prayed this for Luke many times and am remembering that ultimately it isn’t me who is his hope anyway. God is near to him and able to help. He is Luke’s giver and sustainer of life.
God delights to help his children.
Sometimes I am afraid to say, “God, heal Luke” instead of saying, “God, I want you to heal Luke, but I trust you even if you don’t.” It’s not that I don’t believe he can. I do absolutely. But I also recoil at a faith that only trusts God’s hand in the good times. As I’ve read through Psalms, however, I am really challenged by the brazen prayers to God for help in the midst of trouble. He delights to come to the aid of those in need. So, I am asking boldly for him to heal and restore Luke’s body. He doesn’t owe us anything, but he does tell us to ask. And, again and again, he shows his power by rescuing those who are his.
His peace really is beyond understanding.
Above all, my heart has felt true peace since Luke was born. I am grateful for the promise of Philippians 4:6 and his faithfulness in fulfilling it in what could be an incredibly anxious time.
Thanks for standing with us in prayer. It has buoyed us more than you know.
